These are the jokes...
Double Reed Jokes
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
Strings
Violin Jokes
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference.
The violin just looks smaller because
the violinist's head is so much bigger.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their
instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my
violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
'Cello Jokes
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
Bass Jokes
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Piano Jokes
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over
a cliff.
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
Woodwinds
Flute/Piccolo Jokes
How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the
other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Clarinet Jokes
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he
finds just the right one.
What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
Saxophone Jokes
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how
David Sanborn would have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1.Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and
don't return it.
3.The grip.
What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain
saw?
The exhaust.
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
Brass
Trumpet Jokes
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much
better they could have done it.
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of
a horse?
I don't know either.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government
bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.
Trombone Jokes
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by
holding the chain saw very still.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular
telephone?
A optimist.
What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the
road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a
trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
French Horn Jokes
How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.
How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57
Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a
goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for
alignment and leaks.
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes
Tuba Jokes
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room
spins.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
These two tuba players walk past a bar.
Well, it could happen!
Percussion
Percussionist Jokes
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the
car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that
they can't just be pushed in.
3. None. They have a machine to do that.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than
horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in
once.
Bodhran Jokes
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys
musicians?
A bodhran player.
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front
door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.
Vocalist Jokes
Soprano Jokes:
If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit
the ground first? (two answers)
1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway
down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around
her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her
accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair
out from under her.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the
average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a
Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.
What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.
A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."
Alto Jokes:
What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a
little high for you?"
Tenor Jokes:
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could
have done it if they had the high notes.
What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been
touched.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
Bass Jokes
How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual
spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death
has occurred).
How do you tell if a bass is dead?
1. What's the difference?
2. Who cares?
How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and
bang their shins.
High School Chorus Jokes
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a
high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
What is the difference between a world war and a high school
choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a
chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to
communicate with humans.
Folk/Rock/Popular Music and Instruments
Banjo Jokes
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Guitar Jokes
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of
his mouth?
The stage is level.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could
do it better.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
Both suck when you plug them in.
How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his
amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left
hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the
lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to
replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how
much better the old tubes were.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
Accordion Jokes:
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a
20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain
Bumper Stickers:
1. Play an accordian--go to jail!