Jokes
Musical Humor
A saxophone and a clarinet walk into a bar...
Robin collected these jokes over many years. Do you have any good new ones for us? Send your musical humor to Lee@saxworx.com. If your entry is selected for publication, you'll get a free pack of reeds on your next visit to Lee's Sax Worx!
Last laugh's on us.
Robin Campeau
Woodwind Jokes
Saxophone
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
1.Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3.The grip.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3.The grip.
What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chainsaw?
The exhaust.
Flute/Piccolo
How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Clarinet
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
Double Reed
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?"
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of their electric tuner.
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
A bad oboist can kill you.
Brass Jokes
Trumpet
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.
Trombone
What is a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone – but doesn't.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it loudly.
How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza."
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cell phone?
An optimist.
What's the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the middle of the road and a dead squirrel lying in the middle of the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
What kind of calendar does a trombone player use for his gigs?
Year-at-a-Glance
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On and off
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw?
1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as they play it!
French Horn
How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Have them miss every other note.
How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out.
Tuba
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
These two tuba players walk past a bar.
Well, it could happen.
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue
Percussion Jokes
Drummers
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. None. They have a machine to do that.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Bodhran
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.
How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade
String Jokes
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Violin/Viola
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference.
The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
What's the difference between a violin and a Fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
What's the difference between a Fiddle and a Violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Cello
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
Bass
How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
More Instrumental Jokes
Banjo
What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw>
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Guitar
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
They both suck when you plug them in,
How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
Accordion
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start
What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling an accordion fire
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain
Play an accordian--go to jail!
Vocalist Jokes
Sopranos
If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?
2. Who cares?
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?.
The horses seem very relieved.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.
What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.
A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."
Altos
What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
Tenors
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Have them miss every other note.
What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end,
it would be a good idea.
Bass
How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
How do you tell if a bass is dead?
1. What's the difference?
2. Who cares?
2. Who cares?
How do you tell if a bass actually is dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
High School Chorus
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.